This past summer a social media challenge went viral.  The challenge was for a woman to post a black and white picture of herself and tag a bunch of friends with an invitation to do the same using the hashtag #challengeaccepted.  As the trend spread, most understood the challenge to be about promoting the idea of women supporting women. Some brought our attention to the issue of sexual violence and femicide in Turkey, noting that the challenge had begun as a form of protest by Turkish women looking for reform. As we near Purim and mark a year since our world turned upside down, I think about all the news and media I have devoured, the painful losses, and the beautiful family moments.  I also think about women supporting women; not just the campaign or the hashtag, but the very real ways that friendship, community, and sisterhood strengthen women. I think of the many women who have been held together by those bonds this year as well as the many women who have suffered by not having those connections.
Female friendships have the potential to enable women to bring out the best in themselves, even those relationships where jealousy or competition exists.  The Torah points to many of the ways that women together not only uplift one another, but uphold or save entire communities or generations. Our biblical matriarchs Rachel and Leah model this for us. Most parents work actively to avoid creating competition between siblings, so Lavan’s manipulating to have both of his daughters marry Yaakov fits with our larger picture of Lavan as a deeply flawed character.  Rachel and Leah had every reason to resent one another and stand in each other’s ways.  Yet the midrash tells us that the night before what was meant to be Rachel’s own wedding, she taught her sister Leah the secret signs she had prepared with Yaakov, so that Leah would not be embarrassed. Certainly there was tension and jealousy; we know this from later in the story in Bereshit.  However, the empathy and understanding of each other’s vulnerabilities was stronger than all the other reasons they had to resent one another.  Their support of and negotiation with one another is what quite literally enabled the birth of Bnei Yisrael, each of our tribes, to be born.
Leah and Rachel enabled the foundation of our people, and during times of national crisis the Torah seems to point to the inner resolve of women as  elevating  and promoting the continuity of our people. The Gemara tells us in Sota 11b, that it was “b’zechut nashim tzidkaniyot” – through the merit of the righteous women – that Israel came to be redeemed from Egypt.  We know about the heroic efforts of Yocheved, Miriam, the midwives, and Bitya (the daughter of Pharaoh) willing to defy Pharaoh and risk their lives. But Chazal tell us that it was also the heroic efforts of all the women of that generation who refused to resign themselves to the hardships of slavery and fears of murderous threats of Pharoh.  The women sought out unconventional ways to beautify themselves and seduce their husbands into the conjugal activities from which they had lost hope.  The women were responsible not only for Jewish continuity by continuing to procreate, they were also responsible for Jewish continuity of spirit.  The women, through preserving marital intimacy, were responsible for preserving  an important piece of humanity that existed and that became the foundation for the future of the Jewish People.
The Torah understands that preserving life involves not just physical but also the psychological triumph.  There is a fascinating halacha regarding a woman in labor found in the Rambam’s Mishnah Torah Shabbat 2:11, “If she requires a light when she cries out because of labor pains, a candle may be lit for her [on Shabbat]. [This leniency is granted] even if she is blind, because light has a calming influence even if she does not see.”  This halacha calls to mind the many halachic rulings that have been written during this pandemic with an eye toward the emotional health of people and the need for support.
This shabbos we read in Parshat Beshalach about Miriam leading the Jewish women in songs of praise of Hashem with her tambourine. Miriam facilitates the women coming together at this moment, spiritually uplifted, and expressing uninhibited joy to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. The women, in fact the entire community is able to be there for Miriam in return when they wait for her during her time afflicted with tzaraat and later when they mourn for her. This past week, my mother-in-law, Chani Kranzler Septimus, passed away. One of the many things that she was known for was her musical talents, her beautiful soprano voice and the numerous instruments she played. She played bongo, the percussion instrument like Miriam, in a Bais Yaakov of Baltimore girl band, the Melodettes. They uplifted the spirits of others particularly in old age homes where they often sang and played. Also like Miriam, when the tables turned and my mother-in-law was not well and stuck in the hospital and rehab without the possibility of in person visitors, her bandmates from 55 years ago, sang with her over FaceTime, and lifted her spirit, gave her strength, love and hope.
When women support one another, individuals can feel encouraged and loved, as well as families and communities being strengthened. This was the motivation for creating the Jewish Women’s Leadership Council, bringing together women across the spectrum of the observant Jewish community in the Five Towns to identify and address communal needs. Modeling ourselves after the heroic women in Egypt, the council agreed that strengthening marriage and taking couples away from the shackles of everyday life was a great place to start. 600 people agreed and joined for the inaugural event, which we called  “an evening of love and laughter.”  
The magnitude and scope of the effects Covid is having is too great to describe or even to understand.  Thank God due to many varied heroes, we have hope for a way out of this horrific pandemic. But, the JWLC sees that we not only need a vaccine against the virus; we need antibodies to fight off disengagement and apathy, loneliness and negativity.  We need to be brought together in a positive and supportive way and create the gateway to a new time for our community.  On Motzei Shabbos, February 13th, JWLC will host it’s 3rd event, The Power of Positivity.  Each participating shul will host simultaneous workshops on finding positivity in an era of challenges.  Our hope is to facilitate the women in each local community connecting and supporting one another in new ways.  Like in generations before us when women support one another the impact is far reaching, extending to the entire Jewish community in powerful ways.

Lisa Septimus is the Yoetzet Halacha of the Five Towns and Rebbetzin of the Young Israel of North Woodmere.  She is available to answer any questions relating to Taharat Hamishpacha, Mikvah or marital intimacy and can be reached at 516-900-2109 or 5townsyoetzet@gmail.com ​

Sukkot was less than a week away, and we still didn’t have decisions on some possible programs. “It’s too early to make a decision,” said one shul leader, noting the irony with the holiday less than a week away. In a time of uncertainty, decisions are made and changed and often not even attempted until the last minute.
The holiday of Sukkot is called by Chazal “Zman Simchateinu, the time of rejoicing,” and Devarim (16:14–15) describes the holiday, “V’samachta b’chagecha … you shall rejoice in your festival … v’hayita ach sameach … and you shall have nothing but joy. Simchat yom tov figures prominently in all the yomim tovim but Sukkot has the distinction of being described first and foremost as a holiday of joy and a time of joy.
In Vayikra (23:39–43) we are told the reason for our celebrating. Sukkot marks the very end of the summer harvest, and we sit in the sukkah to remember that G-d made the Israelites dwell in sukkot when He took them out of Mitzrayim and led them through the midbar. It makes sense for the end of the harvest to be celebratory, but it is less obvious precisely what we are celebrating by remembering the sukkot from the midbar.
The Gemara in Sukkah (11b) records a debate between Rabbi Eliezer and Rabbi Akiva about the sukkot. Rabbi Eliezer says that we are commemorating the ananei kavod, the clouds of glory, that surrounded Bnei Yisrael on their journey through the desert and served to guide them when they traveled. Rabbi Akiva says that we are commemorating the actual sukkot — the temporary dwelling huts that Bnei Yisrael lived in for their 40 years in the desert. However, in addition to the cloud or the huts, we are recalling that Bnei Yisrael had to wander through a harsh, unsettled environment, where, despite G-d’s presence, they clearly felt scared and vulnerable.
Many of the stories in Sefer Sh’mot and Bamidbar describe their fear and uncertainty that often led to complaining. It therefore seems ironic to describe the holiday that commemorates this experience as Z’man Simchateinu. Furthermore, our own observance of Sukkot, while joyous, is also rife with vulnerability, as we seem subject to the weather conditions. Will it rain, be too windy, be too cold, be too hot? Will we be able to sit in the sukkah, will our decorations fall, will the schach get ruined? All of us can recall a time when we had to make last-minute decisions where to set up for a meal or when we had to switch a table set outside for inside or vice versa. Who can celebrate properly while worried about the unknown?
In this year more than ever, we feel vulnerable and unsure as we negotiate and renegotiate what is safe, what is permitted, and how to appropriately experience the simcha of this chag. On a deeper level, we ask ourselves, can we feel the joy in Hashem’s protection in a time when we ourselves feel vulnerable?
Sukkot is precisely about celebrating our connection to Hashem in the face of that uncertainty. During Sukkot we make ourselves more vulnerable to be able to connect more deeply with Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Faith and feeling connected to G-d does not mean that we know we will always be safe and granted good in our lives. With ideal faith we connect with our Creator, we appreciate what we have today, we observe the mitzvot, and deepen our relationship. We pray and plan for the future, even though we know that in life there are no guarantees. We take a leap of faith and invest further in our relationship with Hashem despite not knowing what the next year brings. Sukkot teaches this lesson for our relationship with Hashem, but it should be applied to other relationships as well.
Our relationship to Hakadosh Baruch Hu is often compared to that between husband and wife, and the sukkah is often compared to the chuppah, both deliberately designed to be temporary and somewhat vulnerable.
Many people think of marriage as providing unconditional love and security. When partners focus only on security at the expense of intimacy and growth, they risk failing to allow their bond to deepen, instead opting for something shallow and safe. Many partners avoid topics of conflict, avoid discussing their unpleasant feelings and their insecurities in an effort not to rock the boat.
Psychologist and marriage counselor David Schnarch says, “When we start shading what we say to keep our relationship calm, we destroy intimacy and desire and diminish our sense of security and self-worth.” Lori Gottlieb, author of Maybe You Should Talk To Someone, similarly observes, “When it comes to love, vulnerability is the price of admission; we risk our hearts in any intimate relationship, and no one can guarantee that they won’t break it.”
Many of us were raised to think of the marriage as putting a strong roof above our heads. Sukkot teaches us that this assumption is wrong. As many rabbis say under the chuppah, a couple’s home should be like a chuppah. You build a home together, but the goal isn’t security and a strong roof. It is the commitment to sit in that home even if it lets in a little wind or heat and even if you never know when it might rain, or, even worse, blow away.
Brene Brown, professor and author, has written extensively on the topic of vulnerability. In her book Daring Greatly, she writes, “I define vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. … With that definition in mind, let’s think about love. Waking up every day and loving someone who may or may not love us back, whose safety we can’t ensure, who may stay in our lives or may leave without a moment’s notice, who may be loyal to the day they die or betray us tomorrow — that’s vulnerability. Love is uncertain. It’s incredibly risky. And loving someone leaves us emotionally exposed.”
Many of us have never felt more vulnerable in our relationships with others and with G-d as we do now. This pandemic has disrupted our religious routines, the way we socialize, and the time we spend with our spouses. It can be uncomfortable. It can be scary. But it can also be beautiful, loving, and joyful. As we enter this z’man simchateinu, we will sit in our sukkot and connect with our loved ones and with Hakadosh Baruch Hu and feel their presence even during these uncertain times.
Lisa Septimus is the yoetzet halachah of the Five Towns, rebbetzin of Young Israel of North Woodmere, and teaches limudei kodesh at North Shore Hebrew Academy High School.

When I was growing up, this word had a negative connotation and was often used as an adolescent jab toward another, implying that someone likes something excessively, as in: “You’re, like, obsessed with ____,” or “She’s obsessed with me.” But social media has turned the word on its head, where obsession is just a trendier way to say you like something: “I’m obsessed with this skirt,” “obsessed with this Instagram account,” etc.
Body image is a far-reaching topic that affects many areas of our emotional and physical well-being, including, for married couples, their intimate relationship. This year’s annual Yoetzet Halacha of the Five Towns fundraiser, titled “Obsessed,” accentuated the word’s double meaning, relating to the contradicting and confusing ideas people hear about their bodies, and their weight in particular. We know the importance of self-care, self-compassion, and self-confidence and yet we are also bombarded daily with ads and stories about the next diet or exercise regimen that will transform our bodies, which clearly must not be good as they are now. We judge those obsessed with consuming food, yet we fail to notice their similarity to those obsessed with restricting food.
On Monday night, July 20, I had the honor of moderating a Zoom event featuring panelists Rachel Tuchman, LMHC; Mimi Hecht of MimuMaxi; and Leah Loksen of SalonLeah. Mimi spoke from her heart about her own journey with weight loss and gain, diets, acceptance, and education. It was raw, honest, and moving. She talked about the messages from society being very imbalanced and how we only see the thin bodies glorified and we only see the diets that work but never see the crash and burn. Because of this imbalance, we need to reeducate ourselves.
Leah spoke about her experiences with clients mired in a distorted view of themselves. Sometimes this distorted thinking comes from within, but often it is fed by comments from others or by comparison with images from social media. Leah reminded everyone that what they see is filtered and deliberately chosen.
Rachel emphasized her role as a therapist in helping young women recognize that they define for themselves what is acceptable and desirable and that through being our authentic selves, we gain confidence and self-respect. She encouraged us to be more reflective consumers of social media, choosing the messages that we want to hear on social media and muting the voices and images that feed insecurity and negativity. She also encouraged us to be more sensitive to the impact on others of what we post.
During this time of COVID, we are deeply aware of the Torah precept V’nishmartem meod al nafshoseichem, and you shall carefully guard your “life.” The Hebrew word “nefesh” means both life and soul. That the same word carries both meanings reminds us not to isolate health to one area of our body or just to our bodies. As Rachel Tuchman expressed, we should be seeking a more holistic health, one that includes our bodies, our minds, our relationships with friends and relatives, and all the interests and pursuits we value. We need to move away from our obsession with the “perfect” body or the “perfect” life and see the whole of life and appreciate its many aspects.
During the Zoom session, one participant asked why we should shift from a focus on beauty when the Torah itself focuses on outer beauty and describes our Matriarchs’ beauty. I responded that women in the Torah are described as beautiful when it is relevant to the narrative, but the Torah more often leaves us completely in the dark regarding the physical description of characters. We don’t know anything about the appearance of Yocheved, Miriam, Rut, Devorah, Yael. We are told that Sarah was very beautiful so that we understand why Avraham pretended she was his sister. But the behavior, actions, and values of Sarah leave a much more important legacy within the Torah. Sarah’s beauty is irrelevant to us now, but the way she inspired others to believe in G-d, the way she kept her tent and made G-d’s presence palpable within, is the legacy she leaves.
One of the best ways to nurture self-worth and body positivity is to pour our energy into things other than our bodies. As Mimi Hecht said, you can be struggling with body image and still possess and project real confidence. After all, we are our bodies, but we are much more than just our bodies. In Hebrew, the word “shalem” can mean perfect, but it can also mean whole. But sometimes preconceived notions of perfection are the enemy of wholeness. When we pursue and achieve wholeness, we will realize that is perfection.
To receive a recording of the event, please email 5townsyoetzet@gmail.com.

​http://www.5tjt.com/how-having-a-yoetzet-halacha-makes-for-comfortable-qa/